My thoughts [Archive] - Hummer Forums by Elcova

Mrs.ssippi

06-21-2006, 03:28 AM

Hey CO, is this like that old SNL skit - Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy ?

Deep Thougths by Jack Handy (http://www.monstershack.net/blog/?p=8)

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ?Oh, no,? I said. ?Disneyland burned down.? He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: ?Mankind?. Basically, it?s made up of two separate words - ?mank? and ?ind?. What do these words mean ? It?s a mystery, and that?s why so is mankind.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won?t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don?t think it would be a good idea to say, ?I swallowed it. So sue me.?

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I?m a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there?s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can?t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

To me, clowns aren?t funny. In fact, they?re kind of scary. I?ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I?ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I?m gone, but you know what I?ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it?s head with a note that says ?You.? After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you?ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we?d all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I?m not sure where we?d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called ?Dad.? We?d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ?God is crying.? And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ?Probably because of something you did.?

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It?s a shark riding on an elephant?s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he?d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn?t be laughing that evening when he?d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn?t seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn?t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we?d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn?t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it?s not, mmmmmmm, boy.

If you?re robbing a bank and you?re pants fall down, I think it?s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children?s children, because I don?t think children should be having sex.

If you?re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it?ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn?t a big joke, because I don?t get it.

A funny thing to do is, if you?re out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you?re going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who?s going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That?s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.