Joke of the day

[KenP]

Joke Of The Day:
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
"He's been working with glue too much"
"He would argue with a signpost"
"He has knack for making strangers immediately"
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
"A prime candidate for natural deselection"
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
"One neuron short of a synapse"
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes" "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

[Ipedog]

I love these :D :D :D :D :D:

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

[Agriv8r]

how about these

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma
to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their
jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a (P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance

engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
;P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ...........

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[ShaggyX]

Agriv8r...Awesome!!!

[HummBob]

Agriv8r...Awesome!!!


X2 - LOL :D

[HummBob]

Joke Of The Day:
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
"He's been working with glue too much"
"He would argue with a signpost"
"He has knack for making strangers immediately"
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
"A prime candidate for natural deselection"
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
"One neuron short of a synapse"
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes" "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

:D :D :D

[KenP]

July 15, Sat.
Joke Of The Day:
You Need a Gimmick...

The hair-lipped toothbrush salesman comes in to his manager's office to give a report on his first week at work.
"Well, how'd you do?" asks the manager.
"Well thir, I thold two toothbrutheth." replied the salesman.
"Two!" shouts the manager. "You're never going to make a living that way."
"Well thir, I don't know what to do, people juth won't buy my toothbrutheth."
The manager thinks and says, "Sounds to me like you need a gimmick."
The salesman asks, "Whath's a geemick?"
The manager explains, "A gimmick is something you use to entice, excite and motivate your customer about your product or service. A jingle, a slogan, something to make your customer feel a need for your product or service."
The salesman goes, "Hmm, I gueth I'll have to get me a geemick." The salesman returns at the end of the next week to give his report.
The manager asks, "Well son, how'd you do this week?"
The salesman beams, "Well thir, I thold 185,353 toothbrutheth."
The manager leaps up, "My gosh, what did you do?"
The salesman grins and says, "I took your advith and got me a geemick."
The manager excited now, says, "Well out with it son. What's your gimmick? We need to pass this on to the rest of the staff. We'll make millions!" The salesman says, "Well thir, I found me a real bithy thtreet corner and I thet up a table and a chair. On the table I put out thum chipth and dip. People would come up to the corner waiting to croth the thtreet and I would thay, 'Hey, while your waiting, how about thun chipth and dip?' They would thay, 'Thure!' Then they would take a chip, get 'em thum dip and thtart to eat it. Then they would say, 'Hey thith tath like thit!' I would say, 'It ith thit. Want to buy a toothbruth?'

[MovinH2]

:D :D :D

[KenP]

July 16:

Joke Of The Day:
Selling Life Insurance...

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[deserth3]

Now that's funny!!!

[Steve - SanJose]

I got a kick out of most of these. Great:D

S.

[Sewie]

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

LOL!! :D :D

[KenP]

July 17

Appraisal Sheet...

This form indicates employee performance in the position they currently hold.
Knowledge
[ ] The son of a bitch really knows his stuff
[ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
[ ] Only half a brain and is dangerous
[ ] ****ing brain damaged, his coffee cup has a higher IQ
Accuracy
[ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy
[ ] Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass
[ ] Has to take off his shoes to count to ten
[ ] Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice
Attitude
[ ] Extremely cooperative if you kiss his ass frequently
[ ] Brown nose in good standing
[ ] Often pisses off co-workers, thinks it's his shop
[ ] Doesn't give a ****, never did and never will
Reliability
[ ] A really dependable little cocksucker
[ ] You can rely on him at evaluation time
[ ] Can rely on him to be the first one out the ****ing door
[ ] Totally ****ing useless/worthless
Appearance
[ ] Extremely neat, even combs his pubic hair
[ ] Looks great at evaluation time
[ ] Flies abandon fresh dog **** to follow him around
[ ] Dirty, filthy, dirty son of a bitch Performance
[ ] Works like a son of a bitch, if there's money in it for him
[ ] Does all kinds of good **** at evaluation time
[ ] Works only if kicked in the ass every 2 minutes
[ ] Couldn't do less work if he were in a ****ing coma

[Agriv8r]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of
embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
surgeon
agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in
the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this
all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank
you for his new ears...

[Agriv8r]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams, then she pushes her
elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise
she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?
Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."

now thats funny:D

[H2Finally]

BWAHAHA!! :D :D

[PARAGON]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams, then she pushes her
elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise
she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?
Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."

now thats funny:D I can't believe you created a joke out of CP's misery;) :D

[H2Finally]

I can't believe you created a joke out of CP's misery;) :DBWAHAHAHAHAHAHA :D :D

[KenP]

Breakdown of the corporate structure...
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved
VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls
TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself
SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance Is God

[KenP]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA :D :DX2!!11

Paragon, you'll have to meet Agrv8r while you're here.

[evldave]

Breakdown of the corporate structure...
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved
VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls
TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself
SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance Is God

I gave this one to my assistant. She thought it was so funny, thought she was gonna give me a BJ under the desk:eek:

[KenP]

I gave this one to my assistant. She thought it was so funny, thought she was gonna give me a BJ under the desk:eek:Glad I could help.... almost...

[The Juice]

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"

Herman: "Hmm. I drowned a man in his hot tub, and I'm here for 3 days"

George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you drowned a man and get 3 days???"

Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."

[Agriv8r]

Glad I could help.... almost...

not sure that sounds right??

hahaha

[Agriv8r]

A senior citizen in Florida went down to the local
Chevrolet dealer and bought a brand new Corvette
convertible. Heading off the car lot and down the
road, he floored it and enjoyed the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought
the man as he stood on the gas peddle -- 80, 120,
150, 170 mph. Then he thought, "What am I
doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing.." He
pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper
pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the
man. !

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends
in 30 minutes and today is Friday. "If you can give
me a reason why you were speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago,
my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I
thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir,"

[Agriv8r]

(pay close
attention to details!!)

So,...

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.
You're okay with it because you get to watch sports all night. You hear
her stumble into bed around 4am. You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo she drove last night. You are happy to see it all in one piece.

* But......... Wait a minute .............

[Agriv8r]

here it comes, dont be in a hurry it is worth the wait;)

[Agriv8r]

25214

[SnakeH2]

* But......... Wait a minute .............


You think..."Damn, my wife needs to loose some weight.":p

[Agriv8r]

;) thats not what I am thinking, seems like alot of strangely positioned hands here;)

[KenP]

Marooned...
An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.

There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines (strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... "

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice mail from here?"

[Agriv8r]

HIS NAME WAS ONESTONE.

This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.

After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest and there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!



What is the moral of the story?





You'll love this!!!! ;> )














You can't kill two Birds with Onestone.

[KenP]

How's Your Job?
You could only find jokes more cheesy than these if you worked at a cheese factory...
Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell.
Q. How's your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.
Q. How's your job on the new highway?
A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.
Q. How's your job at the travel agency?
A. I'm going nowhere.
Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin!
Q. How's your job at the lemon juice company?
A. I've had bitter jobs.
Q. How's your job at the pie company?
A. It didn't pan out.
Q. How's your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can't keep up with inflation.
Q. How's your job at the crystal ball company?
A. I'm making a fortune.
Q. How's your job at the history book company?
A. There's no future in it.
Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. I'm having second thoughts about it.
Q. How's your job on the farm?
A. Problems keep cropping up.
Q. How's your job at the sewing shop?
A. Hanging on by a thread. Q. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
A. I have clear job objectives.

[HummBob]

25214

:D :D

[HummBob]

HIS NAME WAS ONESTONE.

This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.

After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest and there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!



What is the moral of the story?


You'll love this!!!! ;> )


You can't kill two Birds with Onestone.

AWWWWW:rolleyes: :rolleyes: ;)

[KenP]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her
car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town.She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let
out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station
attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered.
"I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and
held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[DennisAJC]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her
car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town.She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let
out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station
attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered.
"I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and
held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Either that joke is a repost or I just experienced deja vu.:D

[HummerNewbie]

Either that joke is a repost or I just experienced deja vu.:D

You used to be a women from New York? :confused: :D

[DennisAJC]

You used to be a women from New York? :confused: :D


I walked right into that didn't I?:D

[HummerNewbie]

I walked right into that didn't I?:D

Sorry to say, yes you did. But thanks, I got a good laugh out of it :D

[31_bandits]

i heard this one this morning from a technician:

After a terrible shipwreck, 3 Honda drivers found themselves stranded on a desert island. Miraculously, they found a magical lamp and when the genie appeared, they agreed to each take one of the wishes.

The first Honda driver wished to be smarter to find a way to get off the island. The genie turned her into a Jeep driver, and she hopped on a log and started paddling west, towards shore.

The second Honda driver thought to herself "that looked pretty good", but wondered if there was an even better way. He wished to be even smarter than the Jeep driver, to find a better way off the island. The genie turned him into an H3 driver, and he made a small raft and an oar out of available logs, bark, and branches. Off he went, East, towards shore.

The third Honda driver thought that was cool, but wanted something even more. So the genie turned him into an H2 and he walked north, across the bridge, back to shore.

now that's funny. :D :D :D

[KenP]

Which Way To Heaven...


One day, a sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like.

Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."

Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."

Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"

The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"

[Jesus Christ]

Which Way To Heaven...


One day, a sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like.

Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."

Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."

Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"

The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"

LOL!!!! Even I thought that was funny my son. I'll have to run that one by Mary.

[HummBob]

Which Way To Heaven...


One day, a sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like.

Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."

Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."

Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"

The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"

http://host.jwcinc.net/1869992/funnypostabove.gif:D :D

[Agriv8r]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other
detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But
it sure made a hole in Juan

[Agriv8r]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of
toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "Thanks
for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says,
"really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[KenP]

I know this is the most important thread of the day for most of you so I'm sorry for missing a couple of days.

You can stop sending the PM's now.
A blonde is at work at a grocery store when a deaf/mute man comes in. He writes on a piece of paper that his mother has died and he needs 20 dollars for gasoline to get to the funeral a few hours away.

Feeling bad for the man the blonde reaches into her pocket and gives the guy 20 bucks. "Thanks, baby!" says the man. "No problem," replies the blonde. As the man gets into the car with a much older woman driving, the blonde realizes she has made a big mistake. "Oh no, I gave him a 50 dollar bill!"

[KenP]

****NOT FOR KIDS!!!****

Clearly Defined...


Anal Boot [n] - An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.

Australian Death Grip [n] - The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars. Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.

Beef Curtain [n] - The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam (aka Beef Drapes, Meat Tarp, Piss Flappers, Quim Nuts, Vertical Bacon Sandwich).

Blocking the Box [n] - When you and your pal are double-teaming a chick - he's got her from behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (aka Access Denied Error, Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions).

Chocolate Cha-Cha [n] - Anal Sex. Used in a sentence: "John and George danced the chocolate cha-cha all night." (aka Driving the Hershey Highway, Riding the Dirt Trail, Utilizing the Third Input, Poking the Brown Eye )

Consolation Prize [n] - When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you're going to get laid, and from all of the drinks you've been feeding her all night long, she passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get revenge, you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even though you lost and didn't get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost as good, hence the term consolation prize.

Cum Dumpster [n] - Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times, hence she is full of cum.

DDF [n] - Distance Distortion Factor - refers to someone who may seem attractive from far away but is ugly upon closer inspection - "good from far, far from good". Used in a sentence: "Woah, she's hot... wait a sec...ugggh major DDF!"

Fugly [n] - ****ing Ugly. Used in a sentence: "Damn that bitch was fugly!"

Fumilingus [v, n] - When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his face.

Game of Smiles [n] - This games involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman giving random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who "smiles" has to buy a round of beer for the rest.

Going to the Bullpen [v] - The act of fingering the anus prior to having anal sex. It kind of "paves the way".

Goobin [n] - One of the many wives had by an old-style Mormon who is not the main wife. The setup usually involves having your one "main" wife and the rest of your other wives who are strictly used for procreation. Hence "Goobin" - a bin for his goo. Used in a sentence: "Mary's one of John's goobins".

Jim Henson [v] - When you fist someone and physically lift them off the ground. (aka The Muppett, Ass Puppett, Meat Puppett)

Kennebunkport Surprise [n] - The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England Chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while chewing box.

Leave-in Conditioner [n] - Dollops of semen strategically left in a woman's hairdo at a public gathering following fellatio. A good lesson for those who refuse to swallow the evidence

Matching Drapes [n] - Reference to whether or not a woman's pubic hair color matches the hair on her head. Used in a sentence: "Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I wonder do the curtains match the drapes?".

Mung [n, v] - Two people dig up the corpse of the recently deceased. One undresses the mungee and places his mouth over the labia. The other backs up and does a running jump onto the corpse's chest. The second person has to eat everything that enters his mouth. Insult, seen here in context: "I'm going to mung your grandmother!"

Paying the Rent [n] - A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs her ferociously.

Pencil Sharpener [n] - A chick who gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willy up something awful.

Reading the Defense [n] - The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. "Reading the Defense" refers to making all of the proper "game time adjustments" as to not get caught cheating later on a some point. Having Beer Goggles on makes it very hard to Read the Defense.

Rusty Trombone [n] - The process by which one person is tossing a guy's salad, and then reaches around and gives them a hand job.

San Diego Surprise [n] - The act of bringing a girl home and while ****ing her, having a friend in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one third of the time.

The Southern Trespass [n, v] - The Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous (drunk) man is involved in intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly switches from the woman's vagina to the corn hole, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass in a rain storm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of his efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the coveted Southern Trespass.

Throwing A Pickle Down A Hallway [v] - An expression for when you've just layed the pipe to some chick (usually fat) who has a big loose box. Used in a sentence: I may as well have just thrown a pickle down the hallway instead of ****ing Fat Fanny's loose gash.

Tossing Salad [n] - Licking another's anus. Done in prison as payment for drugs.

Twinkler [n, v] - When you are 69-ing with a hunee and she gags on your member and you can see her bung-hole pucker up.

Tupperware Party [n] - When three guys are triple-teaming a chick . . . one with his hog in her mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named because she is sealed air-tight.

Times Square Shuttle [n] - You have two girls with you and they are in the 69 position with each other. You then alternately **** each of them while they chow each other. You go from the missionary position on one and run to the other side and work in doggie style on the other one. Repeat as many times as necessary / possible. (aka Burning the Candle at Both Ends, Playing Ping Pong, The Gunga Din)

Valsalva [n] - The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be going forward

[Agriv8r]

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them, immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! !

Try not to screw up in the next question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person. You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? (a, e, i, o, u)?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE! SEND THIS TO THEM!

[Agriv8r]

A lady walks into a HUMMER dealership and browses around. Suddenly she
spots the most perfect, beautiful rig and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, she
anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** when you hear
the price."

[KenP]

That's great, Chuck. Fun at work today, huh?!?!?:D

[Dug]

A lady walks into a HUMMER dealership and browses around. Suddenly she
spots the most perfect, beautiful rig and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, she
anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** when you hear
the price."


LMFAO!

[KenP]

Engineers and Managers...


A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[DDWH]

LMFAO!.

X2!!!!!!!!! LMFAO!:D :D :D :D :D

[Agriv8r]

That's great, Chuck. Fun at work today, huh?!?!?:D

some days are like that, you made the paper today, did you see it?? I have a copy for you if not.:D

[Agriv8r]

Lipstick in school---priceless


According to a news report, a certain private school in
Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next
day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors
every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.
:D

[Agriv8r]

this is a good one:D

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled
it. Enjoy.

A 86 year old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he
approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with
the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

[KenP]

some days are like that, you made the paper today, did you see it?? I have a copy for you if not.:DThanks. We have it, but another copy would be great. We've received calls on it today, but can't seem to pull it up online. I'll swing by later.

The lady with the "Yala" truck I've seen. She's very conservative judging by the the stickers on her truck around election time.:D

[Albie]

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.




classic!!!!!!!! sounds like my programmers

[Agriv8r]

Improvements in Hell

A builder died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this builder is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got a builder? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having a builder, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

[Agriv8r]

make more sense with this part



























Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Agriv8r]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while
sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman
sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter
over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to
be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she
is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it
over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over
there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the
man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you
need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars
in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note
of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I
happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a
Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty-five
million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND
THE BOTTLE BACK

[KenP]

South African Windows 98...


It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New South African edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside South Africa. If you have one of the New South African editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The New South African edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads "E WINDOWS 98" with a background picture of a Mageu bottle superimposed on a Orlando Pirates flag. It is shipped with a Black Label screen saver.


New Features:
samblief = OK
Aikona = Cancel
auk! mistake! = Undo
aikona, not mistake! = Redo
Ekke ek bere hom = Save
Ekke ek soek hom = Find
ah dunno = Help
stat = Start
Settings = (pre-set on this edition)
hamba = Run
my thieengs = Personal folder
Chaila = Shut Down

Some programs that are exclusive to "E Windows 98" :

MS Wed = a word processor
Calculata = calculator
Scratch peppa = notepad
Jive Box = CD player
I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer
Piktchas = a graphics viewer
Stockvel = M/S accounting software
Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of local
off-sales and their prices.
Black Label tax records = usually an empty file
Fafi = game replacing Solitaire

Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labelled Dustbin.

Control Panel is known as Don' touch dees buttons!
We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the New South African edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

[KenP]

A Kind Lawyer...


One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

[Agriv8r]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked
.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ASS, didn't it?"

[Sewie]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse comes in to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? "