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Re: Joke of the day
Improvements in Hell
A builder died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this builder is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got a builder? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." "No way," replied Satan. "I like having a builder, and I'm keeping him." God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" |
Re: Joke of the day
make more sense with this part
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" |
Re: Joke of the day
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while
sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK |
Re: Joke of the day
South African Windows 98...
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New South African edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside South Africa. If you have one of the New South African editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The New South African edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads "E WINDOWS 98" with a background picture of a Mageu bottle superimposed on a Orlando Pirates flag. It is shipped with a Black Label screen saver. New Features: samblief = OK Aikona = Cancel auk! mistake! = Undo aikona, not mistake! = Redo Ekke ek bere hom = Save Ekke ek soek hom = Find ah dunno = Help stat = Start Settings = (pre-set on this edition) hamba = Run my thieengs = Personal folder Chaila = Shut Down Some programs that are exclusive to "E Windows 98" : MS Wed = a word processor Calculata = calculator Scratch peppa = notepad Jive Box = CD player I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer Piktchas = a graphics viewer Stockvel = M/S accounting software Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of local off-sales and their prices. Black Label tax records = usually an empty file Fafi = game replacing Solitaire Also note: The Recycle Bin is labelled Dustbin. Control Panel is known as Don' touch dees buttons! We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the New South African edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. |
Re: Joke of the day
A Kind Lawyer...
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall." |
Re: Joke of the day
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked . "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ASS, didn't it?" |
Re: Joke of the day
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse comes in to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? " |
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