<SPAN class=inside-head>Family amazed that cat survived 80-foot fall</SPAN>
<DIV class=intro-copy>SUMMERVILLE, S.C. (AP) — The family of Piper the cat, who
fell 80 feet from a tree and lived to meow about it, says they thought Piper had
cashed in her nine lives after her remarkable fall.</DIV>
<P class=inside-copy>"Yeah, we did," Scottie Colvin said Wednesday on ABC's
Good Morning America with her husband, Rodney, their two daughters and
Piper by her side. "Our first initial reaction, I don't know, was yelling for
Rodney to catch her, and then oh, that's not a good idea."</P>
<P class=inside-copy>Piper was in the tree near their house for eight days
before falling. The tawny cat escaped unharmed, receiving only fluids for
dehydration and ibuprofen for stiffness. (Related video: <A onclick=""
href="http://usatodaytv.feedroom.com/?fr_story=FEEDROOM137509">Cat survives
fall</A>)</P>
<P class=inside-copy>A cameraman from WCSC-TV in Charleston on hand to record
the attempted rescue captured the fall on video, and Piper quickly became a
celebrity.</P>
<P class=inside-copy>On Monday, a rescuer started up to save her. But Piper got
scared, and crept away until the limb beneath her snapped. She twisted and
turned in the air before slamming onto the ground. But she wasn't even dazed,
scampering off before anyone could catch her.</P>
<P class=inside-copy>"When she hit the ground running, we knew it was OK. She
kind of bolted and we found her in the wheel of a car that was in our
neighborhood so it was really cool," Scottie Colvin said.</P>
<P class=inside-copy>The family had previously tried several methods to lure
Piper down. They hoisted a basket with tuna and used a bow and arrow with string
to try to coax the cat.</P>
<P class=inside-copy>Eventually, gravity did the trick.</P>
<P class=inside-copy>The Colvins said the cat doesn't really like all the
attention — and they hope Piper stays grounded.</P>

They had a second initial reaction?

That is funny right there. Hard to tell from the video, but it doesn't look like it did land on its feet. But I was wrong once before.

This would have worked, but what did they need the string for?

"When she hit the ground running, we knew it was OK. She kind of bolted and we found her in the wheel of a car that was in our neighborhood so it was really cool," Scottie Colvin said.

found it in the wheel of a car

I felt bad for that kitty! Dumb owners should have tried to get it down sooner.

Yeah i know. what they say....8 days???? they couldnt have gotten it down sooner?

Yeah, yeah.... I know all that. But did you guys see the 3 or 4 inch bounce the cat got at the bottom.... that was pretty schweeeeet.

I saw that video on the news.

Not if you put strap buttered toast to their backs...



THE THEORY OF PURRPETUAL MOTION

Question: if you buttered the back of a cat, which way down would it land?

Law 1: The Laws of Butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground.

Law 2: The equally strict Laws of Feline Aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot smash its furry back - it must land on its feet.

If the combined constructed of cat + butter were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox (or purradox). Therefore it cannot fall.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats.

Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:

p = s * t(t)/t?



'p' is the probability of carpet impact,

's' is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.

t? and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even Chicken Tikka Masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

In essence, you have discovered the secret of antigravity. A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or adding more butter, allowing descent.

It has been theorized by some researchers that most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The most obvious danger of feline antigravity propulsion is that lithe cats may manage to lick the butter off their backs. They will then instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn’t do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them. This suggests that aliens have not yet discovered tikka masala sauce and that some researchers really should stop watching Star Trek.

We must also consider the application of Murphy's Laws to this theory. Murphy's Laws are also known as Sod's Law or the Law of Perversity/Cussedness. In its simplest form, it states:

"Anything which can go wrong will go wrong"

Here are some of the more likely outcomes of the application of Murphy's Law into Butterology/Feline Aerodynamics in an experiment involving a "cat + buttered bread" scenario. We leave the Application of Murphy's Law to "cat + tikka masala sauce" scenarios as a theoretical exercise for the reader.

As soon as you release said feline from a suitably high place, the strap used to tie the bread to the back of the cat will break, thus nullifying the bond between the bread and the feline. You may attempt to defy this by applying the butter directly to the cat's fur, in which case the cat will lick off part of your carefully calculated quantity of butter (i.e. that amount which holds the cat-butter assemblage in equilibrium)

In either case, a very cross cat will land on its feet, claws extended, upon a lawyer's brand new soft-top car - scratching the top to shreds if it is raised or depositing copious amounts of fear-induced feline excrement on the driver's seat if the top is lowered.

Meanwhile, the liberated piece of buttered bread will fall buttered side down, landing on the toupee of the only newspaper reporter foolhardy enough to cover this misguided experiment, resulting in a reference to you in the Weekly World News (or New Scientist), in which your name will appear adjacent to the phrase phrase "foolish quack".

At the same time, a concerned passer-by will report your experiment to the PETA, your country's main SPCA, anti-animal-experimentation groups etc etc, leading to your arrest, trial and conviction upon charges of animal abuse. Following headlines of "Cat-throwing scientist on cruelty charges" you will spend a couple of years answering to the name "Cindy" chosen by your love-starved cellmate "Butch". You will be banned from ever keeping animals and banned from the dairy products section of all major supermarkets.

Addendum:

The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. You have discovered the secret of antigravity!

A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat and butter are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or applying more butter, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred buttered tabbies. On Earth, the only loose ends delaying the full commercialization of this process is the matter of persuading the felines to:

a. work in teams.
b. not lick off the butter.
c. follow a flight plan.

As there seems to be a deficiency in feline herding instincts, any suggestions would be appreciated by the parties involved.

If words were posts, you would have the most.

posts usually are words... that should count.

This would have worked, but what did they need the string for?
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