If you're driving a Hummer, go get it dirty
RON WILMOT
SPORTS
(Published: July 20, 2003)
This may be stretching things a bit for a sports column, but since sport-utility vehicles contain the word "sport," I'm game if you are.
I want to pose a question: Have you ever seen a Hummer with a speck of dirt on it?
Seriously. Besides in movies or Army commercials, I'll bet you haven't. Not to pick on those wealthy few who can afford the $50,000-plus citizen tanks, but I honestly have never seen a Hummer that wasn't sparkling clean.
Now, maybe whenever Hummer owners get back from four-wheeling over a mountain pass or driving to Timbuktu for kicks, they go right to the car wash. But it sure seems strange that I haven't seen one with not even a bit of dust.
Come to think of it, I've never seen a Hummer off a paved road. I've never seen one at a trailhead, or a boat launch, or towing anything for that matter. I've never seen one all laden with cool sports gear like in the commercials.
The only place I've seen a Hummer is in a city, which is sort of like going four-wheeling with a Porsche. Or like driving a dragster in the slow lane.
Now, before I go any further, I want to say that I'm not one of those anti-SUV types. I think SUVs are the safest and most practical vehicles on the road, especially in Alaska. I own a truck -- lumped in with SUVs by some -- and probably always will.
I don't regularly go places where I need my four-wheel drive, but I frequent enough backcountry roads to expect to have seen at least one Hummer jiggling along. And on any given sunny weekend, you can expect to see a number of Jeeps, Toyotas, Fords, Chevys and Dodges splattered with the telltale dirt and dust of an off-road adventure.
What do people do with them? Drive them back and forth to work and take the kids to soccer practice? Wash them on Tuesdays and polish the chrome on Saturdays?
Come on, you Hummer owners, test those babies! Let's see some mud. If I owned a Hummer, I'd have to drive it in the dirt. I'd want to roll over terrain like a toddler with a Tonka truck. I think a Hummer would get me in trouble.
I know Hummers are the in vehicles right now. A friend of mine who recently visited Los Angeles reported seeing a Hummer on every corner. Seems the stars need all that clearance and horsepower just in case they need to leave the pavement.
Of course, someone is going to tell me I've never seen a Hummer out in the wild because they're off in some remote place no other vehicle can reach.
Until I see some evidence, I'm not buying it.
This column is the opinion of Daily News sports reporter Ron Wilmot. He can be reached at
rwilmot@adn.com or at 1-907-352-6712.
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