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Originally Posted by BKLYNH2
here would you like fries with that?
Canada
History
British and French explorers originally settled in Canada sometime before 1975. Years of isolation led to Canadians declaring independence in 1984; the Queen never objected, since she forgot Canada's existence. Canada has since become the leading exporter of maple syrup and snow shovels. Over the years, Canadians have inbred and worn snow caps, flannel hats with ear flaps as a mark of their blatant incest.
Culture
Canada fosters two cultures; the Hosers and the French Canadians. The French Canadians are the by-product of French culture settling in Canada, and have notoriety for being voted the snootiest people in North America. French Canadians prefer to be called Quebecois, since they reside in Quebec, a former toxic waste disposal site the French saw fit to colonise. Due to their repulsive stench, the French were not upset by the radioactive waste, and have contributed much to Canadian history.
The Hosers, on the other hand, are unsophisticated hicks who inhabit the remainder of the nation. They are fond of maple syrup, maple leaves, maple wood, maple yams, snow, snow caps, fanny packs and hockey. Hosers thrive inside igloos, homes made from snow bricks, in order to have shelter in an inhospitable environment. The majority of their time is spent blind drunk, and picking fights at hockey matches. It is for this very reason that Canadians are frequently missing teeth.
Politics
The Quebecois demand succession from the Dominion of Canada, and have retaliated by speaking French, an incomprehensible language invented by hobos and pretentious *******s. Quebecois often rally in hopes having a free Quebec, but nobody really cares about French people anymore. Nobody cared in the first place.
Hosers support a liberal government that supports free, state-operated healthcare. Also, Canadians support gay marriage, probably because they're all flamboyantly queer fags; other causes Canadians support are medical marijuana, which explains the high percentage of stoners who frequent Toronto, the cultural crossroads.
Language
After settling in Canada, the settlers mutated British slang into what is now Hoser speek. Absurd expressions such as "eh?" conclude most sentences, and the English word "about" is "aboot" in Hoser speech e.g. "What are ye talking aboot, eh?" etc.
Quebecois are asshats who speak French. That's all you need to know.
Food
A typical meal revolves around maple syrup, a staple in every Canadian's diet. The main crop is elk, supported by vast badger imports from abroad.
Notable Canadians
None, unless you count Celine Dion. Which you shouldn?t.
Further Information
It is acceptable to refer to Canadians--excepting the Quebecois--as Cannucks. Really this is pointless, as you can just point and grunt at a Canadian and they'll understand exactly.
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Whoah! There are so many inaccuracies here I do not know where to begin!
First, let's be honest, the Queen pretty much forgets everything now. She is what, 300 years old? Give her a break!
As for Canada being a leader in the export of maple syrup, that is true! (Honest, look it up.) I do not know about shovels though. I think that since we invaded China, they are being built in "Canada East" now.
Global warming has put an end to living in igloos. We have had to resort to tent cities now. I actually walk to the United States to post in the forums. Global warming has also put an end to hockey here. Now, our time is spent sucking the government teat for our welfare checks or having sex with farm animals. I believe there is a bill put in motion for Alabama to annex us. Alabama isn't too close to New Jersey, is it?
I do not know any French Canadians, so I cannot speak for them or about them. I think that they have running water and sewage now, but would appreciate any input on this.
Referring to Canadians as Canucks is true. As far as I am aware, no one has ever taken offense to this.
There are a few typos, too. (i.e. "Hoser speek" should be "Hoser speak," etc.)
Would you like me to help you with the rewrite?