[HUMMERcustoms.com/TAZ]

Ken,

I have over the years that we have known each other told you as much about my real secrets as almost anyone. You know where I come from on suicide, same as you. I just wish someone could recognize the symptoms of the problem because they are there. If those of us around the person would look instead of being so (including me) selfish with our time with so many things going on we miss being around a person of long time friendship so we are not there to be able to help. Now just not anyone can help but, sometimes all it takes is once we are aware of situation just making a couple phone calls a week etc. possibly steering the right help to them.

I'm going into my details as neccessary to put forth another view that I still do not understand. At 18 senior in HS, star running back I had a problem that I thought was the end of my world even though it should have been one of those hey this is life move on stay happy find another. I just could not get past it and to this day I could not tell you why I tried to kill myself. It tooks months till it triggered something but, bad thing is no one around me ever knew there was a problem as I made sure of that, why? Yes it was a very selfish thing to do. I was leaving my 36 year old mother to finish raising my 3 baby sisters and my Mom needed my help badly financially with my jobs for food, mortgage, car ins., and just everything thing but, also making my sisters stay in line. Well at 18 I guess I could argue I should not have been in this situation but, my dad military, I refer loosely as dad, as he found a foriegn wife leaving my Mom in a terrible strain as just a hairdresser. It was not fair I 1) carried a 4.0 GPA 2) practiced football till 5:45pm each day starting at last period roughly 3pm 3) worked at the Texaco till 11:30pm or midnight from 6pm after practice every day except for just Friday Night Football games 4) back at school at 8am on track to grad after football senior year for early college 5) worked on a farm driving tractors when I had time to make even more money to help family.

Now:
Just trying to sort of let you see what was happening to an 18 year old young man registered for Vietnam draft whos number was fast approaching and I could hardly wait. Recruiter said I could join as a warrant officer and fly Cobras, my dream, not what everyone else wanted. It was made clear to me by family that I had to many things such as grades and college that I would unless signed by Mom, since I was 17 at early grad., I had to wait for certain age. Not sure now what all rules were then or if just being lied to. I just wanted to fight for my country and make bigger pay for Mom plus do something I loved was flying. Wanted it even more after suicide attempt but, all the flying etc. was shot by that self stunt.

My deal was the girl I had dated for 3 years and we had already planned on wedding I found out she had been seeing who I thought was one of my best hot rod friends for about 6 months while I'm busting my butt to help take care of my family and so on, so on, and so on. This straw broke something in me mentally to the point I could not think about the ones who really Loved me and needed me or all the positive things that were going on around me.

Please do not take this as a manifesto to let anyone off for suicide as it is a cowards way out but, to this day neither me, my mother who almost disowned me for suicide attempt, nor the people helping me could help me to understand why that one thing broke me when I had already showed extrordinary ability as one helper said, to deal with extreme adversity.

So I guess just to say we have to watch and hopefully catch that very slightest hint of need by a person. I hid mine so well I'm not sure the signs could be seen.

TAZ