HOUSES OF WORSHIP
The Road to Hell
What Jesus had to say was much more important than what he would drive.
BY BROCK YATES
Friday, November 29, 2002 12:01 a.m. EST
Behold, the Evangelical Environmental Network went forth, announcing its plan to persuade God-fearing souls to abandon their Suburbans and Explorers and take to the streets in the tiny, fuel-sipping Toyota Prius or the Honda Insight. And it came to pass that a great deal of earnest comment was quickly devoted to this "What would Jesus drive?" campaign. The head of Ford Motors even met with the network's representatives, as if the whole thing deserved to be taken seriously.
What a vexation of spirit! First we had to endure the sight of Ozone Al Gore burrowing out of his bearded, self-imposed banishment to hector us about all that is evil in a market economy--including its centerpiece, the internal combustion engine. Now Jesus Christ himself is in the game.
True, the Nazarene has been recruited over the centuries for every conceivable cause. But here he is being enlisted to do battle against a four-wheeled petro-mechanical mode of transportation favored by suburban housewives and work-a-day churchgoing citizens. This is a test of Christian theology?
Apparently it is, according to the Rev. Jim Ball, the spokesman for the Evangelical Environmental Network, who has claimed darkly that "transportation is a moral issue." Good heavens, just when we thought the Ten Commandments demanded a bit more attention, here comes somebody to announce that big V8s and four-wheel drives will gridlock the road to salvation.
By this logic, Satan is on the move, and God-fearing citizens everywhere are in his clutches. He has just unleashed his latest weapon, the General Motors Hummer H2, the hottest, most desirable, back-ordered vehicle in American showrooms. It is a house-sized leviathan weighing more than three tons and powered by a gonzo six-liter, 315-horsepower V8 that, with prudent, feather-foot driving, might get you 11 miles to the gallon. Oh, yes, if you can find one, the dealer will sock you for something north of $50,000.
And here comes Porsche, the legendary maker of two-place sports cars, with its Cayenne, a new SUV packing 450 woolly horsepower and enough acceleration to suck the headlights out of a Toyota Prius at any stoplight in the nation.
Meanwhile, the much-reviled Ford Explorer remains the best-selling SUV and a leader in a market segment that is exploding in appeal. SUVs account for roughly one-third of the market with no end to their growth in sight.
Clearly the Prince of Darkness moves in mysterious ways. As for the wages of sin: Does the passage in the Lord's Prayer where we ask God to "forgive us our debts" include a $600-a-month lease payment on a fully loaded, 345-horsepower, megaton, $60,000 Cadillac Escalade? Perhaps Mr. Hall and his fellow theologians will want to answer this question.
As others have noted, Jesus might have driven a Prius to the Sermon on the Mount, when he was traveling alone, but with his 12 disciples he might have preferred a larger vehicle, like a Ford Excursion. And it might have produced less pollution and consumed less petroleum than six Insights carrying two passengers each. Meanwhile, retreats in rock-strewn desert terrain might have required four-wheel drive.
Is it ridiculous to even speculate about such things? Of course. When we read in the Gospel of Mark that the "spirit driveth [Jesus] into the wilderness," maybe we should think about more than how he got there.
Mr. Yates is editor at large of Car and Driver magazine.
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