Today I went offroading....but a lot of things were different. I did not coordinate nor lead this event...and I was the only Hummer there!
A friend of mine invited me to join his group for a nice Sunday of off-roading through the Angeles mountains. His group, the Southern California Land Rover club.
I entered the meeting area and quickly found myself getting strange looks....what was I doing there? who was this non-Land Rover? Did he get lost on his way to pick up the kids from the soccer game, or perhaps lost on the way to the market????
I quickly found myself face-to-face with about 38 Land Rovers, some very impressive and formiddable vehicles: D90's, D110's and other modified LR's. Truly...I had entered the Lions Lair...
They had their drivers meeting and towards the end the trail leader announced a "special guest".....he introduced me as the president of the Southern California Hummer Owner Group. Sheesh....now the whole darn Hummer name-sake is riding on me...cause you expect something more from a "president".
As you can imagine, that pretty much kicked-off a nice spree of teasing, joking and razzling. They were a friendly bunch, but still....the teasing commenced. It was about 82 of them to just 1 of me.
We pulled out from the parking lot and proceeded towards the trail. The anonimity of the CB lent towards an increased level of jest towards me and my rig:
Did the H2 roll over yet? Did the H2 run out of gas? Did the H2 get stuck? Did the H2 take-off to get some groceries.....you can imagine.
We hit the trail and after about a 1/2-hour we came to the "Big Nasty"...a steep hill, about 90 feet long and full of deep ruts. It was ugly!
The first rig up was a really sharp D90 all done-up with the goodies. He struggled here and there and slowly made his way. It got a bit hairy here and there but he was basically making forward progress.....then it got really bad!
The D90's front left wheel got way up in the air and he reeled way back on his right-side.....he was about to roll over for sure!!! Everybody was freakin' and the rig was tettering on the verge of going over. Guys jumped on the front left and desperately mobilized to salvage a catastrophe.
A kid was coming up the hill just in the roll-path of the vehicle and I had to fly into emergency leadership role. They struggled and finally got the D90 more secure. He continued up the hill and had a few more problems...it really was scary but he finaly made it.
The next vehicle was a Discovery. He made it about 1/4 the way up the hill and almost lost it too. We were lucky to get his butt down the hill....he backed down and cheated certain disaster...no way that thing was gonna do it: not...even...close!
The next up was the big-bad-boy: a Range Rover with some lift, modfiications and some goodies. He took another path and made some good progress...but soon enough he was stuck, sliding and getting sideways. Some many minutes, lots of dust and coaching...he actually made it up the hill. His width helped keep him away from the near-rolling his cousins endured. Still..lots of wheel-slipping, mediocre articulation and a struggle that barely got him up after quite some time.
That was it. Nobody else wanted any piece of this hill. The trail-leader called out to mobilize....that's when I stopped him and announced I was going up.
No sooner did he repeat back to me "Your going up?"....did the word spread like fire that "The Hummer" was going to try. Everyone got excited...as they were so sure the grocery-getter was about to befall a dreadful fate.
Not this Hummer, Not this driver, Not today....it was time to open-up a can of whoop-ass and lay down some sweet Hummer music on these guys.
As I walked down the aisle of rigs I was questioned: Are you really going to try that hill? Do you think you'll make it? Are you sure you want to do this????
I pointed to the hill and said "I'm not going to try to make it...I'm going to take my Hummer and eat that hill up like it's my bitch!!!!....my H2 is gonna grind, claw and gnarl her way to the top with no problems at all. I will own that hill.
And that's how it was...I told several of them I was going to cake-walk that nasty hill and run right through it. I thought of MAC and considered if this was a time to let some sunshine radiate from my inner soul. No...this was a time to kick some ass and represent for the H-pack!!!!
I took my rig and brought her to rest at the bottom of the hill. I activated the rear height control and let that go to town. Dropping the t-case into 4-low I reached over and engaged the rear locker. Both my co-pilot (Bill Martin) and I instantly agreed on the proper lines...it was like we were reading eachothers minds...
I wish I had a video or pics...but we were busy laying it down. The H2 came right up through the first nasty section with no hesitation at all. My back end was getting air here and there...but I kept my line and drove the hill. There was never a hestiation, not an single instance of problem...the H2 ate through that hill like Rosie O'Donnel at a buffet: UNSTOPPABLE...truly Like nothing else.
We blasted our way right upto the top instantly....not a single tire-slip. The crowd went wild and they cheered me.
I turned around and came back down to find a warm reception....except for someone who told me I took an easier way and got lucky.....
So I turned around and went to the other side of the same hill. I proceeded to go right through it without a problem...only this time I decided not to do it all pretty and gassed my way like a hog gone wild to the top of the hill...where I greeted the hill-top people with a rousing "ya'all can kiss my Hummer ass!!!!" just before my dust-cloud came upon them and dusted 'em.
I then went back down the hill (having twice cake-walking what they barely stuggled to make up with near catastrpohe).....and proceeded to put my rig into Reverse. Yep....reverse.
I then started backing up the hill in reverse...completely moving through the area that stopped the Disco and nearly rolled it...the H2 didn't want to stop...she climbed in reverse as well as she did going forward!
My co-pilot didn't feel comforatble and urged me to stop. All we could see what blue-sky out the rear and those ruts could swallow a quad...the wrong move would spoil our fun...so I came down the hill having gone about 1/2-way up it.
I then got out of the H2 and asked...."Are there any Disco's that would like to take a crack at this hill????"....."Nobody?...cause we're at that point where it's time to put-up or shut-up and this is headed back to the web"....nope....no takers.
There was this one guy who was teasing the heck out of me previously...I went up to him: "Hey....you did really well on that hill..didn't you. No. Wait. As I recall you didn't go up that hill at all...did you????"...he laughed, but I had his number!
Now I want to be clear about this, it's hard to read the text and catch the mood. At all times it was friendly and we were all having fun. The LR crew was very congratulatory and whole-hearted about the whole thing. They asked if I was modified and were surprised to find that I was just plain stock...except my bumper sticker which reads "don't follow me, you won't make it".
The trail-leader congratulated me and told me I had showed them all up. And wouldn't you know it...the rest of the day I didn't hear a single more heckle!
and That's pretty much how we do that!!!