Joke of the day

[HummerNewbie]

Originally Posted by DennisAJC

I walked right into that didn't I?

Sorry to say, yes you did. But thanks, I got a good laugh out of it

[31_bandits]

i heard this one this morning from a technician:

After a terrible shipwreck, 3 Honda drivers found themselves stranded on a desert island. Miraculously, they found a magical lamp and when the genie appeared, they agreed to each take one of the wishes.

The first Honda driver wished to be smarter to find a way to get off the island. The genie turned her into a Jeep driver, and she hopped on a log and started paddling west, towards shore.

The second Honda driver thought to herself "that looked pretty good", but wondered if there was an even better way. He wished to be even smarter than the Jeep driver, to find a better way off the island. The genie turned him into an H3 driver, and he made a small raft and an oar out of available logs, bark, and branches. Off he went, East, towards shore.

The third Honda driver thought that was cool, but wanted something even more. So the genie turned him into an H2 and he walked north, across the bridge, back to shore.

now that's funny.

[KenP]

Which Way To Heaven...


One day, a sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like.

Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."

Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."

Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"

The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"

[Jesus Christ]

Originally Posted by KenP

Which Way To Heaven...


One day, a sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like.

Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."

Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."

Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"

The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"

LOL!!!! Even I thought that was funny my son. I'll have to run that one by Mary.

[HummBob]

Originally Posted by KenP

Which Way To Heaven...


One day, a sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like.

Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."

Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."

Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"

The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"

[Agriv8r]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other
detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But
it sure made a hole in Juan

[Agriv8r]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of
toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "Thanks
for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says,
"really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[KenP]

I know this is the most important thread of the day for most of you so I'm sorry for missing a couple of days.

You can stop sending the PM's now.

A blonde is at work at a grocery store when a deaf/mute man comes in. He writes on a piece of paper that his mother has died and he needs 20 dollars for gasoline to get to the funeral a few hours away.

Feeling bad for the man the blonde reaches into her pocket and gives the guy 20 bucks. "Thanks, baby!" says the man. "No problem," replies the blonde. As the man gets into the car with a much older woman driving, the blonde realizes she has made a big mistake. "Oh no, I gave him a 50 dollar bill!"

[KenP]

****NOT FOR KIDS!!!****

Clearly Defined...


Anal Boot [n] - An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.

Australian Death Grip [n] - The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars. Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.

Beef Curtain [n] - The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam (aka Beef Drapes, Meat Tarp, Piss Flappers, Quim Nuts, Vertical Bacon Sandwich).

Blocking the Box [n] - When you and your pal are double-teaming a chick - he's got her from behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (aka Access Denied Error, Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions).

Chocolate Cha-Cha [n] - Anal Sex. Used in a sentence: "John and George danced the chocolate cha-cha all night." (aka Driving the Hershey Highway, Riding the Dirt Trail, Utilizing the Third Input, Poking the Brown Eye )

Consolation Prize [n] - When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you're going to get laid, and from all of the drinks you've been feeding her all night long, she passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get revenge, you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even though you lost and didn't get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost as good, hence the term consolation prize.

Cum Dumpster [n] - Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times, hence she is full of cum.

DDF [n] - Distance Distortion Factor - refers to someone who may seem attractive from far away but is ugly upon closer inspection - "good from far, far from good". Used in a sentence: "Woah, she's hot... wait a sec...ugggh major DDF!"

Fugly [n] - ****ing Ugly. Used in a sentence: "Damn that bitch was fugly!"

Fumilingus [v, n] - When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his face.

Game of Smiles [n] - This games involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman giving random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who "smiles" has to buy a round of beer for the rest.

Going to the Bullpen [v] - The act of fingering the anus prior to having anal sex. It kind of "paves the way".

Goobin [n] - One of the many wives had by an old-style Mormon who is not the main wife. The setup usually involves having your one "main" wife and the rest of your other wives who are strictly used for procreation. Hence "Goobin" - a bin for his goo. Used in a sentence: "Mary's one of John's goobins".

Jim Henson [v] - When you fist someone and physically lift them off the ground. (aka The Muppett, Ass Puppett, Meat Puppett)

Kennebunkport Surprise [n] - The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England Chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while chewing box.

Leave-in Conditioner [n] - Dollops of semen strategically left in a woman's hairdo at a public gathering following fellatio. A good lesson for those who refuse to swallow the evidence

Matching Drapes [n] - Reference to whether or not a woman's pubic hair color matches the hair on her head. Used in a sentence: "Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I wonder do the curtains match the drapes?".

Mung [n, v] - Two people dig up the corpse of the recently deceased. One undresses the mungee and places his mouth over the labia. The other backs up and does a running jump onto the corpse's chest. The second person has to eat everything that enters his mouth. Insult, seen here in context: "I'm going to mung your grandmother!"

Paying the Rent [n] - A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs her ferociously.

Pencil Sharpener [n] - A chick who gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willy up something awful.

Reading the Defense [n] - The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. "Reading the Defense" refers to making all of the proper "game time adjustments" as to not get caught cheating later on a some point. Having Beer Goggles on makes it very hard to Read the Defense.

Rusty Trombone [n] - The process by which one person is tossing a guy's salad, and then reaches around and gives them a hand job.

San Diego Surprise [n] - The act of bringing a girl home and while ****ing her, having a friend in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one third of the time.

The Southern Trespass [n, v] - The Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous (drunk) man is involved in intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly switches from the woman's vagina to the corn hole, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass in a rain storm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of his efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the coveted Southern Trespass.

Throwing A Pickle Down A Hallway [v] - An expression for when you've just layed the pipe to some chick (usually fat) who has a big loose box. Used in a sentence: I may as well have just thrown a pickle down the hallway instead of ****ing Fat Fanny's loose gash.

Tossing Salad [n] - Licking another's anus. Done in prison as payment for drugs.

Twinkler [n, v] - When you are 69-ing with a hunee and she gags on your member and you can see her bung-hole pucker up.

Tupperware Party [n] - When three guys are triple-teaming a chick . . . one with his hog in her mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named because she is sealed air-tight.

Times Square Shuttle [n] - You have two girls with you and they are in the 69 position with each other. You then alternately **** each of them while they chow each other. You go from the missionary position on one and run to the other side and work in doggie style on the other one. Repeat as many times as necessary / possible. (aka Burning the Candle at Both Ends, Playing Ping Pong, The Gunga Din)

Valsalva [n] - The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be going forward

[Agriv8r]

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them, immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! !

Try not to screw up in the next question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person. You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? (a, e, i, o, u)?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE! SEND THIS TO THEM!

[Agriv8r]

A lady walks into a HUMMER dealership and browses around. Suddenly she
spots the most perfect, beautiful rig and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, she
anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** when you hear
the price."

[KenP]

That's great, Chuck. Fun at work today, huh?!?!?

[Dug]

Originally Posted by Agriv8r

A lady walks into a HUMMER dealership and browses around. Suddenly she
spots the most perfect, beautiful rig and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, she
anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** when you hear
the price."

LMFAO!

[KenP]

Engineers and Managers...


A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[DDWH]

Originally Posted by Dug

LMFAO!

.

X2!!!!!!!!! LMFAO!

[Agriv8r]

Originally Posted by KenP

That's great, Chuck. Fun at work today, huh?!?!?

some days are like that, you made the paper today, did you see it?? I have a copy for you if not.

[Agriv8r]

Lipstick in school---priceless


According to a news report, a certain private school in
Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next
day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors
every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[Agriv8r]

this is a good one

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled
it. Enjoy.

A 86 year old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he
approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with
the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

[KenP]

Originally Posted by Agriv8r

some days are like that, you made the paper today, did you see it?? I have a copy for you if not.

Thanks. We have it, but another copy would be great. We've received calls on it today, but can't seem to pull it up online. I'll swing by later.

The lady with the "Yala" truck I've seen. She's very conservative judging by the the stickers on her truck around election time.

[Albie]

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.




classic!!!!!!!! sounds like my programmers